dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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