So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
