she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
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She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
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