It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
