she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
soo... how was my night?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
