I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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