I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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