I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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