how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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