Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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