I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
