you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
