My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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