I wish I could teleport
i think my tv is drunk
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
