who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
