My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
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I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
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If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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