In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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