Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
