he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
this just has baby written all over it
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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