gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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