I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
