Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
