i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
