College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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