I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
