Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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