How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
