SEEEEXXX PLEASE
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize