How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i drank out of a bidet.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
