I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
