I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
