Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
