do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
