call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
