Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
