At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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