you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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