I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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