He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
