Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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