dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
