yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
