the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
he's single and there are thong briefs.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
