There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
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