We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
