I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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