so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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