how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
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He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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