I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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