That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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