She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
