You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
