forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
