May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
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you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
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How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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