She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
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