My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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