I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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